Daily Expirations (5-31-2012)
Sorry everyone, I’ve had a few emergencies arise in the past couple days and have gotten behind in delivering the best mediocre late night jokes possible. Here are some more jokes now that will expire at midnight:
NASA said our galaxy, the Milky Way, will collide with nearby galaxy Andromeda in 6 billion years. Upon hearing the news, Republicans have blamed Obama.
Study released says that “old people smell” is real. Old people have a distinct smell. Some say they smell like holidays, you know, the only time you see or smell them. Don’t know what I’ll smell like when I’m old, I just hope its not the scent of bed pans.
Former President George W. Bush’s portait has finally be unveiled at the White House this week. The unveiling was bit delayed as all other presidential portraits had to have the other their eyes roll.
FDA rejected a proposed renaming of high fructose corn syrup. The proposed rename of “corn sugar” was declined. This proposal was better than their last attempt of calling it “Nope, No Heart Attacks Here” syrup.
West Virginia pastor who handled rattle snakes in his rituals died from a snake bite during a church gathering. It’s sad, but guess Darwin needed an idiot in Heaven.
A student in Arizona was awarded a “Catastrophe Award” by her teacher for having the most excuses for not having her homework. When the parents were asked their thoughts, they said they couldn’t say because their dog ate their parenting skills.
Mayor Michael Bloomberg plans to battle obesity by banning large sugary sized drinks in New York City. People are expected to protest once they actually stand up.
In Los Angeles, a ban on plastic bags will go into effect. Lawmakers say it won’t effect anybody, but Pamela Anderson begs to differ.
Man in Miami survived an attack by a homeless man who ate 75% of his face. People say the man faces a long recovery, but are happy to know the woman attacked by a chimp finally has a soulmate.
