Rape Me (Hilariously)
Daniel Tosh has really done it this time. He lived up to his act of being ridiculously offensive and offended somebody! How dare he?! Yes, here we are again, watching people dissect moments from second hand sources about another comic’s act. Just like Tracy Morgan, we have another instance of someone being offended and recounting the moment in a hilariously out of context blog....
Daily Expiration (6-22-2012)
The Miami Heat became NBA champions last night against the Oklahoma City Thunder. Critics say they hadn’t seen Oklahoma City collapse like they did since Timothy Mcveigh. KKK Grand Wizard and senate candidate David Duke endorsed black politician Charles Barron for office. The move leaves many stunned and Mitt Romney without a vice president. Dick Cheney’s gay daughter, Mary, got...
Daily Expirations (6-19-2012)
Yoko Ono has a new art exhibit that has piles of dirt as art. People are wanting to check it out since hearing the dirt was taken from a grave John Lennon spun in. Roger Clemens was acquitted of all steroid charges by the Supreme Court. Haven’t seen this much taxpayer money wasted since every day of my life. Mike Tyson is bringing his one man show to broadway soon. The show will be the...
Daily Expiration (6-15-2012)
Sarah Jessica Parker hosted an event at her house to raise funds for Obama’s campaign. President Obama said he couldn’t be happier to finally meet the star of Luck. Guy in Connecticut called 911 when his sandwich wasn’t made correctly. Authorities scolded the man, which means he won’t be calling anyone when he dies alone. Obama changed immigration policy that’d...
Daily Expirations (6-14-2012)
Game of Thrones apologized for having a replica of George W. Bush’s head on a pole in an episode. Surprised they apologized since Bush was finally attached to something successful. Chris Brown and Drake apparently got into a brawl in a NYC night club. I am disappointed in Chris Brown. I thought he’d never hit a woman again. Military drones flying in DC were mistaken by many as UFOs....
Daily Expirations (6-13-2012)
Casey Antony appeared on Piers Morgan last night. I’d tell you more, but his show has less viewers than Caylee Anthony did. Henry Hill; the mobster turned FBI informant whose story the film “Goodfellas” is based on, has died. Guess he went and got his shinebox. A new study says that people can judge 90% of a person’s personality by the shoes they wear. Ghandi and the...
Daily Expirations (6-12-2012)
Scientists say spray on tans could be unhealthy. This was found after recipients started to be followed by MTV after one spray. Burger King will begin selling bacon sundaes this summer. Great to kick off things is buy 3 get one hospital visit free. For $1000, Groupon will name your baby. People found it worthless since it keeps naming every baby ‘Mistake.’ The LA Kings won the...
Daily Expirations (6-11-2012)
A new study says there’s no real difference in children being raised by straight or gay parents. It did conclude that kids of straight or gay parents still ruin their dreams. Union workers in Pennsylvania won a court battle that would allow them to eat expired food at schools. Union workers cheered the decision from the nurse’s bathroom. The KKK in Atlanta are trying to take part in...
Daily Expirations (6-8-2012)
Lindsay Lohan was involved in an accident with an 18 wheeler. Luckily, nobody is hurt. She’s been released from the hospital, while the 18 wheeler was sent to the STD clinic for testing. A woman was caught making meth in her purse at a Walmart. When Walmart employees caught her, they knew they had to hire her immediately. She was suspected after watching Breaking Bad continuously on aisle...
Daily Expirations (6-7-2012)
Students at Stuyvesant HS in New York held a “Slutty Wednesday” protest in response to strict dress codes at the school. I’d love to see the teachers that are supporting the protest. Any teacher standing by the students are probably standing behind them, sweating guilt. Charlie Sheen said in an interview that during the time he said he was, “winning,” the actor...
Daily Expirations (6-5-2012)
Donald Trump announced he’s canceling his USA Today subscription. USA Today said they were sad he cancelled, but happy to know Trump can actually read. Mayor Bloomberg proposed a bill that’d limit arrests on weed. So sodas are bad, but the top cause of snackage is good? Company Mars One has pledged to start a colony on Mars in 2023. It will be a one way ticket. It’ll be a hard...
Daily Expirations (6-4-2012)
A Florida woman was arrested for choking her boyfriend after he refused to marry her. I thought you were supposed to wait till marriage to try and kill each other. A Kuwaiti man was sentenced to 10 years in prison for tweets that made fun of the Prophet Muhammad. Least we know Kuwait’s court can be dumb in under 140 characters. Comedian Bill Maher became co-owner of the New York Mets. The...
My First Haters!
I got my first bit of hate! [[MORE]] Here’s was what was said about today’s Daily Expirations by notdiabetes and crackedouttheories: notdiabetes - Donuts don’t cause diabetes, but nice job spreading harmful misinformation in the guise of “humor.” Oh, and some bonus sexism in that coaching paragraph. You’re just all kinds of douchey, aren’t you? (By the way, before you use the...
Daily Expirations (6-1-2012)
Today is National Donut Day. The country celebrated by giving away free diabetes. DC comics announced the Green Lantern is gay. People thought Aquaman would be, but his relationship with animals isn’t called gay. The move will maybe help some comic readers come out of the closet, now we just have to get them outside. News reports say ‘Sesame Street’ songs were used to torture...
Daily Expirations (5-31-2012)
Sorry everyone, I’ve had a few emergencies arise in the past couple days and have gotten behind in delivering the best mediocre late night jokes possible. Here are some more jokes now that will expire at midnight: NASA said our galaxy, the Milky Way, will collide with nearby galaxy Andromeda in 6 billion years. Upon hearing the news, Republicans have blamed Obama. Study released says that...
Daily Expirations (5-28-2012)
An MSNBC host is in hot water for saying he has trouble calling fallen soldiers “real heroes.” Some are offended, but more had trouble calling MSNBC “real news.” Bobby Brown was nice to dedicate his song, “Every Little Step,” to the troops on the Today Show. The troops were nice to not say, “No thanks.” Elvis Presley’s first tomb is up for...
Daily Expirations (5-25-2012)
Porn Star Jenna Jameson was arrested today for a DUI. Officers might’ve not noticed if she didn’t insist they’d make perfect fluffers. Today marks 35 years since the release of Star Wars in theaters. George Lucas says he might rerelease the movie again with new footage of Jar Jar Binks counting money the whole time. In related news, a gunman in Ohio robbed a bank wearing a...
Daily Expirations (5-24-2012)
A 15 year old boy is being heralded for creating a test that better detects pancreatic cancer. 15 years old?! That’s amazing. Can’t imagine doing that at 15. If 15 year old me had read that I’d be inspired, to discover why my porn site took me to that article. Donald trump said he may create a Super PAC to help defeat Obama in the coming elections. The Obama Administration...
Daily Expirations (5-23-2012)
In July, New York City airports will install holograms that’ll provide helpful information to travelers like flight times, locations and what that smell is. U.S. Border Patrol discovered illegal immigrants in the back of a fake UPS van after the truck avoided a checkpoint. Agents knew something was up when the driver said he was trying to deliver a package before the people left for work. ...
Daily Expirations (5-22-2012)
Universal Studios has developed a theme park ride based on Michael Bay’s Transformers movies. The ride will be a nonstop thrill ride where park employees toss your wallet straight into the trash. Illinois Legislature this week voted down a measure that would’ve given college tuition waivers to certain students. Lawmakers instead opted to just give students bus tickets out of...
Daily Expirations (5-21-2012)
Well hello there. It’s been a LONG time since my fingers slammed themselves on the keyboard to contribute to this site. ”WAY TO DO WHAT YOU DESCRIBE THE SITE AS! LOL!” - Future Suicide Victim [[MORE]]Yes, its been too long. Finally, I’ve decided to change that, starting with the addition of a new segment. The first new addition of things to come for this site...
The Godfather (or How We Are Just Fredos Of...
Here it is; another comic spewing his emotional bile about the passing of a comedian. I’m sure if you know an inkling about comedy, you know the news about the passing of Patrice O’neal. If you’re finding out this through my blog post right now, then man, is your life a sense of fucked. The passing of Patrice has hit the comedy world like an asteroid. The belief that this...
This is the sad salesman. Sad Sal some call him. He uses all his swag demonstrating the product, he has none left for the charm to sell it. How many of these has he used to clean up his dreams? I feel like he isn’t looking for customers, but more for the one that got away. Wondering why you can’t hear him? It’s because he’s talking at a defeated whisper while hooked up...
It's A Start...
but there is more to come in the near future. I’m retarded at building sites and a cunt at doing anything that makes me have to put things I do “out there.” Baby steps and lots of google ‘how to’ searches. See you around.